ATC Humour - LT ACC Quote Book 1981-1989

27 November 1981

UBV gives departure call from Flinders Is to Launy "Tracking 190, below 5000, endurance 230, POB one man and a dog."

17 February 1982

Situation: CZT & TJN Launy to Melbourne, TJS & CZP Hobart to Melbourne. [The days of the good old two-airline policy!]
Sec 2: "CZT report cruising FL310"
CZT: "CZT, we've consulted the Box (Omega) and we'll be cruising at 80 DME Launy."
Sec 2: "CZT. TJS report cruising FL350."
TJS: "TJS."

Later...

CZT: "CZT, cruising FL310 at 80 DME Launy, just like the box said."
Unknown: "Must be a first!"
CZT: "Any time, any place, any level!"
Unknown: "Wank, wank!"

Later...

TJS: "TJS, cruising FL350 at 70 DME Launy, just like my First Officer said."

11 July 1984

LT Sec 1 to Devonport [Flight Service] after several days of rain and several hours closed due fog: "How's your weather?"
DV FS: "Weather fine: track slow."

27 October 1984

RMZ inbound to Hobart from Coolangatta [i.e. from the north-east], assigned FL110.

RMZ: "RMZ, request diversion right of track to avoid Mt Wellington" [Mt Wellington is to the south-west of Hobart airport]

Pregnant pause...

Sec: "RMZ confirm diversion due to weather?"
RMZ: "RMZ, negative: Mt Wellington. There's lenticular cloud and we'd like to avoid possible tubulence."
Sec: "RMZ, divert...blah, blah, blah,...and for information Mt Wellington is situated BEHIND Hobart."

RMZ: "RMZ, thanks, we're just thinking about that..."

21 December 1984

MMS [an Ansett F.27] en route Wynyard-Melbourne was asked whether a requirement to reach FL140 x time 0000 was acceptable.

Reply: "Aaaaah...that's stretching the friendship a bit."

1985

CZU: "Launy Control, good evening, CZU SIMON 30 FL330 Launy 46."
Sec: "CZU, good evening, Launy Control. Expect a step descent with TJU below, report ready for descent."
CZU: "Roger, target sighted 6.3 miles."

1985

TJJ (Launceston-Hobart), left FL150.

Sec: "TJJ, contact Tower 118.1 at 30 miles."
Pause...
Sec: "TJJ, did you copy the transfer?"
TJJ: "TJJ, say again."
Sec: "TJJ, contact Tower 118.1 at 30 miles."
TJJ: "TJJ, sorry the Hostie was balling me out!"

1985

TBH en route Launceston-Hobart.

"Launy Control we're 45 DME Launy, er, correction 45 DME Devonport...er, no...where am I? 43 DME Hobart, request descent."

[Launceston is only 70 miles from Hobart - about 15 minutes from takeoff to touchdown in a Boeing 727]

1985

Melbourne Sectors initiate some rapid radar vectoring on ING (a Citation 550) on track Cowes [Phillip Is]-Devonport-Hobart to allow descent for two Launy jets. On contacting 119.7: "Launy Control, ING, SIMON at various times, cruising FL310, estimating Devonport at 47."

1985

"Launy Control this is Charlie Lima er Kilo...Alpha...whatever it is on climb to 4,500."

24 December 1985

EWV: "EWV we're abeam MARSH - do you want us to call Melbourne?"
Sec: "EWV, yes thanks and Merry Christmas."
EWV: "EWV, 50 DME Wynyard."
Sec: "EWV, it was 'Merry Christmas', not 'DME distance' and have a Happy New Year."
EWV: "EWV, Happy New Year?!"

13 January 1986

FKA: "Ah Launy Control, FKA, we're interested to know why we can't get a clearance at Hobart until we taxy." (Pilots were concerned about extra workload when taxying.)
Sec: "FKA due to procedural environment, blah, blah, blah, clearance depends on traffic situation at the time, etc, etc, and your clearance is subject to other traffic."
LTI (after waiting about a minute to report): "Launy Control, speaking of other traffic, LTI was SIMON at 45 etc..."

28 November 1986

CZF, Melbourne direct to Launceston [the transfer point from Melbourne Control to Launy Control was abeam position SIMON in these circumstances]

CZF: "Launy Control, CZF."
Sec: "CZF, good morning Launy Control, go ahead."
CZF: "What would you like?"
Sec: "An abeam SIMON position."
CZF: "We're not there yet!"
Sec: "I'll wait then..."

26 June 1987

Sector 1 - situation: CLZ on frequency LT-WY [Wynyard] (Capt P., F/O Brown). KAM departed LT for FLI [Flinders Island], not yet on frequency.

Sec 1: "KAM, Launy Control, do you read?"
CLZ (F/O Brown): "KAM, affirm, we both know our A,B,C...er...sorry, we're in CLZ."
Sec 1: "Go back to sleep, Browny!"
To which Capt P. replied: "He hasn't put his brain in yet!"

6 Oct 1987

Weather R.S.

HB info: P, Runway 30 wet, 240/15-25 XW max 25, 986, 11, 7/3000LP, vis reducing in rain, expect instrument approach.

TAF after landing at HB: "Tower, TAF, there's a bit of undershoot shear over the dunes there, but the arse drops out of it when you cross the threshold."

When standard phraseologies fail you, resort to plain English!

15 Oct 1997

ZCZC KLF230 150213
FF AMLTZR
150213 AMENYO
DEP AMEN FOR AMLT 0205

ZCZC KLF232 150218
FF AMLTZR
150217 AMENYO
THE MYSTERY AEROPLANE AMEN FOR YMLT 0205 IS SNZ

16 Oct 1987

"Launy Control, TAJ, we'll be looking for descent in a couple of minutes."
"TAJ, roger, in a couple of minutes descend to FL130."

10 Nov 1987

Message from Operational Control (OPS) for Tester 911:

NNNNZCZC KLF184 092310
FF AMLTZZZX
092309 AMMMYVYX
AMLTZTZX TESTER 911
SIGMET 4 2300/REV 0300
OCNL SEV TURB FCST APAA FIR F300/F390 WITHIN 180NM LINE 30S
129e / WHA / AMMG.
INTST NC.

[Tester 911 was a DC3 (C47)]

Ops! Again!

12 Feb 1988

ENVOY 605 [RAAF BAC111] tracking WY-FLI-CB

ATC: "ENVOY 605, report DME distance either WY or FLI."
ENVOY 605: "You won't believe this - the DME has just thrown in the towel!"

24 Feb 1988

TAJ, LT-HB on descent into Hobart broadcast his inbound call three times on 119.7. His reply after being informed of the third call: "Stupid bloody radio!"

29 April 1988

"Anatomy of an Air-Race"

About 6 pm, Sector 2...

Scene: VH-LOF, a Westwind, LT-EN [Essendon] climbing FL370. VH-JFT, the CAA's HS125, LT-EN about 10 miles behind and step-climbing underneath. Both aircraft have just called Sector 2.

JFT: "LOF this is JFT, what's your climbing indicated?"
LOF: "JFT we're climbing at 270 into Mach 0.70."
JFT: "Ah, roger, we're currently climbing at 250 knots - Break - Launy Control, JFT, we would like to climb at 270 knots into Mach 0.70."
Sec 2: "JFT, roger, no speed restrictions."

THE RACE HAS STARTED

Some time later...
JFT: "Launy, JFT, we'd like to cruise amended FL310.
Sec 2: "JFT, you can expect that."
(obviously trying to gain a few knots over LOF)

After a couple of minutes, the pilots of LOF, not to be outdone, come back with -
LOF: "LOF, request cruise amended FL330."
Sec 2: "LOF, cruise amended FL330 and report cruising."

A few more minutes -
LOF: "LOF, cruising FL330."
Sec 2: "LOF, roger. Break - JFT climb to and cruise FL310."
JFT: "JFT, FL310. Break - LOF, what's your cruising Mach number?"
LOF: "Mach 0.74. What's yours?"
JFT: "Oh, normally about Mach 0.75 but with a bit of luck we'll get it to Mach 0.76."
LOF: "It's alright for you guys, you're not paying for the fuel."
JFT: "We're paying for ours as well!"

9 Aug 1988

4.30 am local

PFS: "Launy Control, PFS, what's the bright star low on the eastern horizon?"
Sec 1: "I'm not sure, it could be Venus."
CLV: "Actually fellas, it's Uranus."

Thank you Alan.

6 Oct 1988

Noise abatement arrival?

WW24 [Westwind] AJQ ML-LT
- Left FL370 @ DV
- Left FL220 downwind
- Left A090 turning 4 mile final.

13 Oct 1988

NNNNZCZC KLF292 130700
FF AMLTYVYX
130700 AMMMYUYX
TAFRQ 2 AMLT.
RQ ALTN DUE VIS 5000M CLD 500FT TIL 2000.
AMHB, AMLT SUITABLE. CNL TAFRQ 1.

Good onya Ops!

29 Jan 1989

TJB, LT-ML, departed 2334, climbing FL310
CZO, LT-ML, departed 2335, step-climbing FL290

CZO: "CZO approaching FL240. You guys must be heavy, we're catching you."
TJB: "TJB, that's affirmative, fullship and we've left 280."
Sec: "CZO climb to FL270."
CZO: "CZO, 270."
Sec: "TJB, that was 'fullship' wasn't it, because it sounded like something else down here?"
TJB: "Affirmative, 123 POB."
CZO: "We've only 56."
XGW: "Launy Control, XGW on climb to A060, 2 POB!"

28 Sep 1989

NNNNZCZC KLF 516 281127
GG AMLTYVYX AMLTYFYX
281123 AMLTZRZX

WE REGRET TO ADVISE THAT THE LAUNCESTON AREA CONTROL CENTRE HAS SUCCUMBED TO A TERMINAL FORM OF CANCER
(CIVIL AVIATIONUS CONSOLIDATIONUS)
THE PATIENT HAS BEEN UNDERGOING DAILY TREATMENT
(INFRARED X-RAY GHOSTING)
IN THE MELBOURNE AACC FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS.
HOWEVER THE PATIENT'S CONDITION HAS DETERIORATED RAPIDLY, AND IS NOT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE FOR MORE THAN ONE WEEK.

NOTE: CIVIL AVIATIONUS CONSOLIDATIONUS (OR CAC FOR SHORT) IS A LITTLE KNOWN VIRUS RELATED TO THE AIDS VIRUS. IT IS USUALLY CONTRACTED IN THE INTERCOURSE WHICH OCCURS BETWEEN CENTRAL/REGIONAL OFFICE'S DESIRE TO CUT COSTS AND FIELD STAFF'S DESIRE TO REMAIN WHERE THEY ARE.
I.E. SUNNY LAUNCESTON.
................THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE.......................

NO FLOWERS BY REQUEST................

Back to the main Air Traffic Services index

ATC Humour - Launceston ACC Quote Book - 1981-89
The CAHS holds the Quote Book used between 1981 and 1989 in the Launceston Area Control Centre (LT ACC). In it was recorded for their own amusement quotes and anecdotes that struck a humourous chord among the controllers. Humour has always been a part of the ATC world, often serving as a stress-reliever. Sometimes you had to have been there, or know the individuals or situation concerned to appreciate the humour. Many of the stories, however, have a wider appeal and a selection of these are reproduced below.
27 November 1981 UBV gives departure call from Flinders Is to Launy "Tracking 190, below 5000, endurance 230, POB one man and a dog." 17 February 1982 Situation: CZT & TJN Launy to Melbourne, TJS & CZP Hobart to Melbourne. [The days of the good old two-airline policy!] Sec 2: "CZT report cruising FL310" CZT: "CZT, we've consulted the Box (Omega) and we'll be cruising at 80 DME Launy." Sec 2: "CZT. TJS report cruising FL350." TJS: "TJS." Later... CZT: "CZT, cruising FL310 at 80 DME Launy, just like the box said." Unknown: "Must be a first!" CZT: "Any time, any place, any level!" Unknown: "Wank, wank!" Later... TJS: "TJS, cruising FL350 at 70 DME Launy, just like my First Officer said." 11 July 1984 LT Sec 1 to Devonport [Flight Service] after several days of rain and several hours closed due fog: "How's your weather?" DV FS: "Weather fine: track slow." 27 October 1984 RMZ inbound to Hobart from Coolangatta [i.e. from the north-east], assigned FL110. RMZ: "RMZ, request diversion right of track to avoid Mt Wellington" [Mt Wellington is to the south-west of Hobart airport] Pregnant pause... Sec: "RMZ confirm diversion due to weather?" RMZ: "RMZ, negative: Mt Wellington. There's lenticular cloud and we'd like to avoid possible tubulence." Sec: "RMZ, divert...blah, blah, blah,...and for information Mt Wellington is situated BEHIND Hobart." RMZ: "RMZ, thanks, we're just thinking about that..." 21 December 1984 MMS [an Ansett F.27] en route Wynyard-Melbourne was asked whether a requirement to reach FL140 x time 0000 was acceptable. Reply: "Aaaaah...that's stretching the friendship a bit." 1985 CZU: "Launy Control, good evening, CZU SIMON 30 FL330 Launy 46." Sec: "CZU, good evening, Launy Control. Expect a step descent with TJU below, report ready for descent." CZU: "Roger, target sighted 6.3 miles." 1985 TJJ (Launceston-Hobart), left FL150. Sec: "TJJ, contact Tower 118.1 at 30 miles." Pause... Sec: "TJJ, did you copy the transfer?" TJJ: "TJJ, say again." Sec: "TJJ, contact Tower 118.1 at 30 miles." TJJ: "TJJ, sorry the Hostie was balling me out!" 1985 TBH en route Launceston-Hobart. "Launy Control we're 45 DME Launy, er, correction 45 DME Devonport...er, no...where am I? 43 DME Hobart, request descent." [Launceston is only 70 miles from Hobart - about 15 minutes from takeoff to touchdown in a Boeing 727] 1985 Melbourne Sectors initiate some rapid radar vectoring on ING (a Citation 550) on track Cowes [Phillip Is]-Devonport-Hobart to allow descent for two Launy jets. On contacting 119.7: "Launy Control, ING, SIMON at various times, cruising FL310, estimating Devonport at 47." 1985 "Launy Control this is Charlie Lima er Kilo...Alpha...whatever it is on climb to 4,500." 24 December 1985 EWV: "EWV we're abeam MARSH - do you want us to call Melbourne?" Sec: "EWV, yes thanks and Merry Christmas." EWV: "EWV, 50 DME Wynyard." Sec: "EWV, it was 'Merry Christmas', not 'DME distance' and have a Happy New Year." EWV: "EWV, Happy New Year?!" 13 January 1986 FKA: "Ah Launy Control, FKA, we're interested to know why we can't get a clearance at Hobart until we taxy." (Pilots were concerned about extra workload when taxying.) Sec: "FKA due to procedural environment, blah, blah, blah, clearance depends on traffic situation at the time, etc, etc, and your clearance is subject to other traffic." LTI (after waiting about a minute to report): "Launy Control, speaking of other traffic, LTI was SIMON at 45 etc..." 28 November 1986 CZF, Melbourne direct to Launceston [the transfer point from Melbourne Control to Launy Control was abeam position SIMON in these circumstances] CZF: "Launy Control, CZF." Sec: "CZF, good morning Launy Control, go ahead." CZF: "What would you like?" Sec: "An abeam SIMON position." CZF: "We're not there yet!" Sec: "I'll wait then..." 26 June 1987 Sector 1 - situation: CLZ on frequency LT-WY [Wynyard] (Capt P., F/O Brown). KAM departed LT for FLI [Flinders Island], not yet on frequency. Sec 1: "KAM, Launy Control, do you read?" CLZ (F/O Brown): "KAM, affirm, we both know our A,B,C...er...sorry, we're in CLZ." Sec 1: "Go back to sleep, Browny!" To which Capt P. replied: "He hasn't put his brain in yet!" 6 Oct 1987 Weather R.S. HB info: P, Runway 30 wet, 240/15-25 XW max 25, 986, 11, 7/3000LP, vis reducing in rain, expect instrument approach. TAF after landing at HB: "Tower, TAF, there's a bit of undershoot shear over the dunes there, but the arse drops out of it when you cross the threshold." When standard phraseologies fail you, resort to plain English! 15 Oct 1997 ZCZC KLF230 150213 FF AMLTZR 150213 AMENYO DEP AMEN FOR AMLT 0205 ZCZC KLF232 150218 FF AMLTZR 150217 AMENYO THE MYSTERY AEROPLANE AMEN FOR YMLT 0205 IS SNZ 16 Oct 1987 "Launy Control, TAJ, we'll be looking for descent in a couple of minutes." "TAJ, roger, in a couple of minutes descend to FL130." 10 Nov 1987 Message from Operational Control (OPS) for Tester 911: NNNNZCZC KLF184 092310 FF AMLTZZZX 092309 AMMMYVYX AMLTZTZX TESTER 911 SIGMET 4 2300/REV 0300 OCNL SEV TURB FCST APAA FIR F300/F390 WITHIN 180NM LINE 30S 129e / WHA / AMMG. INTST NC. [Tester 911 was a DC3 (C47)] Ops! Again! 12 Feb 1988 ENVOY 605 [RAAF BAC111] tracking WY-FLI-CB ATC: "ENVOY 605, report DME distance either WY or FLI." ENVOY 605: "You won't believe this - the DME has just thrown in the towel!" 24 Feb 1988 TAJ, LT-HB on descent into Hobart broadcast his inbound call three times on 119.7. His reply after being informed of the third call: "Stupid bloody radio!" 29 April 1988 "Anatomy of an Air-Race" About 6 pm, Sector 2... Scene: VH-LOF, a Westwind, LT-EN [Essendon] climbing FL370. VH-JFT, the CAA's HS125, LT-EN about 10 miles behind and step-climbing underneath. Both aircraft have just called Sector 2. JFT: "LOF this is JFT, what's your climbing indicated?" LOF: "JFT we're climbing at 270 into Mach 0.70." JFT: "Ah, roger, we're currently climbing at 250 knots - Break - Launy Control, JFT, we would like to climb at 270 knots into Mach 0.70." Sec 2: "JFT, roger, no speed restrictions." THE RACE HAS STARTED Some time later... JFT: "Launy, JFT, we'd like to cruise amended FL310. Sec 2: "JFT, you can expect that." (obviously trying to gain a few knots over LOF) After a couple of minutes, the pilots of LOF, not to be outdone, come back with - LOF: "LOF, request cruise amended FL330." Sec 2: "LOF, cruise amended FL330 and report cruising." A few more minutes - LOF: "LOF, cruising FL330." Sec 2: "LOF, roger. Break - JFT climb to and cruise FL310." JFT: "JFT, FL310. Break - LOF, what's your cruising Mach number?" LOF: "Mach 0.74. What's yours?" JFT: "Oh, normally about Mach 0.75 but with a bit of luck we'll get it to Mach 0.76." LOF: "It's alright for you guys, you're not paying for the fuel." JFT: "We're paying for ours as well!" 9 Aug 1988 4.30 am local PFS: "Launy Control, PFS, what's the bright star low on the eastern horizon?" Sec 1: "I'm not sure, it could be Venus." CLV: "Actually fellas, it's Uranus." Thank you Alan. 6 Oct 1988 Noise abatement arrival? WW24 [Westwind] AJQ ML-LT - Left FL370 @ DV - Left FL220 downwind - Left A090 turning 4 mile final. 13 Oct 1988 NNNNZCZC KLF292 130700 FF AMLTYVYX 130700 AMMMYUYX TAFRQ 2 AMLT. RQ ALTN DUE VIS 5000M CLD 500FT TIL 2000. AMHB, AMLT SUITABLE. CNL TAFRQ 1. Good onya Ops! 29 Jan 1989 TJB, LT-ML, departed 2334, climbing FL310 CZO, LT-ML, departed 2335, step-climbing FL290 CZO: "CZO approaching FL240. You guys must be heavy, we're catching you." TJB: "TJB, that's affirmative, fullship and we've left 280." Sec: "CZO climb to FL270." CZO: "CZO, 270." Sec: "TJB, that was 'fullship' wasn't it, because it sounded like something else down here?" TJB: "Affirmative, 123 POB." CZO: "We've only 56." XGW: "Launy Control, XGW on climb to A060, 2 POB!" 28 Sep 1989 NNNNZCZC KLF 516 281127 GG AMLTYVYX AMLTYFYX 281123 AMLTZRZX WE REGRET TO ADVISE THAT THE LAUNCESTON AREA CONTROL CENTRE HAS SUCCUMBED TO A TERMINAL FORM OF CANCER (CIVIL AVIATIONUS CONSOLIDATIONUS) THE PATIENT HAS BEEN UNDERGOING DAILY TREATMENT (INFRARED X-RAY GHOSTING) IN THE MELBOURNE AACC FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS. HOWEVER THE PATIENT'S CONDITION HAS DETERIORATED RAPIDLY, AND IS NOT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE FOR MORE THAN ONE WEEK. NOTE: CIVIL AVIATIONUS CONSOLIDATIONUS (OR CAC FOR SHORT) IS A LITTLE KNOWN VIRUS RELATED TO THE AIDS VIRUS. IT IS USUALLY CONTRACTED IN THE INTERCOURSE WHICH OCCURS BETWEEN CENTRAL/REGIONAL OFFICE'S DESIRE TO CUT COSTS AND FIELD STAFF'S DESIRE TO REMAIN WHERE THEY ARE. I.E. SUNNY LAUNCESTON. ................THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE....................... NO FLOWERS BY REQUEST................ Back to the main Air Traffic Services index